


all the things I left unsaid

by stillstanding



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29664399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stillstanding/pseuds/stillstanding
Summary: Dear Kenny, Ken, Parse,I’m sorry and I miss you.A series of letters and diary entries that follow Jack and his thought process from the aftermath of the overdose throughout the arc of the comic.
Relationships: Kent "Parse" Parson/Jack Zimmermann
Kudos: 6





	all the things I left unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is the first in a series of letters and diary entries that I want to write from Jack's POV. They'll be addressed to a number of characters and follow a lot of his big events. I hope you like it. you can find me on tumblr @willdexington

Dear ~~Kenny, Ken,~~ Parse,  
I’m sorry ~~and I miss you~~ but I just can’t let you back into my life because I don’t know ~~if I can~~ how to separate you from all of the terrible stuff. All of it the pills, the drinking the draft the pressure, you, they all have melded into some kind of monster in my head and I can’t let you back in without letting all of the other stuff in. I was drowning back then, I didn’t know it but I was, the pressure the secrets everything it was getting to me. I don’t know if I’m built for it I could ever do it again. And the worst part of it all is that I don’t know how to be happy for you. I don’t know how to be happy for you without jealously choking me every time I see your face on TV or on the news. I want to be happy that you got your dream but it was supposed to be ~~me~~ the both of us up there together. But I can’t because I fucked up. Everyone knows that I fucked up, that’s what everyone knows me as now. The failure son of hockey prodigy Bad Bob Zimmerman. You know that whenever my mom comes into the room she treats me like glass, she always walks in so softly I swear you could barely hear her footsteps and she talks so softly to me like I’m some sort of frightened prey. I hate it. My parents just look so small and so human and I don’t know what to do or what to tell them. I don’t think that I can ever fix it. Everyone treats me like they’re afraid I’m about to shatter but honestly, I think that I shattered to pieces a long time ago and nobody noticed, well I guess they know now. Now I’m just trying to collect the pieces and making something new now I guess, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be who I was who we were ever again. At first, when everyone skittered around me I thought they were scared for me but now it’s beginning to feel like pity which is so much worse, and it’s suffocating me, and I can’t even tell them they’re wrong because I fucked up. Everyone knows I fucked up and that I’m a disappointment. I let Maman and Papa down. I let you down. I think I’m scared that I don’t have hockey anymore. I don’t think I know who I am outside of hockey. I built my whole life around it and just watched it fall into pieces. Did I ever tell you I was jealous of you? I was jealous that you managed to get her on your own, I was jealous that no one expected anything of you, I was jealous that you didn’t feel like you were drowning in it all. You know throughout it all I was just thinking about how my father’s shadow feels so big and that I’m scared that I’ll never figure out how to escape it. I’m sorry that you had to be the one to find me. I’m sorry that I had to stop talking to you. I think I ~~loved~~ could have loved you if things were different. I want you to be doing well. I’m sorry that I’ll never be able to gather the courage to send this   
~~Love,~~  
Jack


End file.
